I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
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