you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
