Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
Randomize
