This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
