$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
A bitchslap is in order.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
