well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
Randomize
