I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
try to milk me bitch
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
