I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
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