She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
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