he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Randomize
