well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Randomize
