OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
