I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
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