The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
