There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Randomize
