Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
Randomize
