I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
