I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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