Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
