The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Randomize
