I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Randomize
