My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Randomize
