We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
