my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Randomize
