Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Randomize
