god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Randomize
