Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
