I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Randomize
