just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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