i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
