Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
