i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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