ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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