tonight lets celebrate not being married
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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