Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
