when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
