I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
