Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
True strength comes from lack of pants
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Randomize
