I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Randomize
