all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Randomize
