Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Randomize
