anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Randomize
