Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Randomize
