my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Randomize
