I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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