just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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