I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Randomize
