dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
My ass is underappreciated
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Randomize
