Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
