Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
