OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
in my opinion joe jonas is kinda pointless. hes just the pretty boy front runner.
My brain says no but my pants say off.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
