I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
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