Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
