The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Randomize
