just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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