the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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